In order for me to make it from sunrise to sunset, or sunset to sunrise, or whatever time frame it is that I’m awake during, I need to distract myself. I have to avoid my thoughts, I have to drown out the reality of the fact that my life is complete shit and there’s literally nothing I can do to improve it. The problem is, there’s nothing actually distracting anymore. Nothing is more compelling than the voice inside my head telling me to stop, telling me to fall down, telling me to go to sleep.
Movies? Boring. Video games? All the same. Books? Can’t be bothered. Alcohol? Costs money. Weed? Cringe, and also gay. Browsing the internet is basically the best I can do, it’s not enjoyable, there’s nothing really interesting anywhere on here, but the feeling of clicking on a link, of going to a page, of typing in an insulting comment towards someone else, it somehow fills some sort of need. It’s like playing a game, surfing television channels in 90s, and talking to someone else on the phone all at the same. Which is to say it’s a bunch of bullshit all at once, but somehow that cocktail of crap does in fact distract. Maybe because it’s engaging multiple aspects of the mind, I really don’t know because I haven’t paid attention to any educational piece of information since elementary school.
But right now, typing this nonsense up, it is distracting me. It’s distracting me from the barking dog down the street, from the sound of the freeway, from the noise coming from my father watching television in the other room, and the clattering of dishes in the kitchen. It’s not just distracting from sound either, it’s also distracting me from facing up to certain realities. Like the fact that I made all the wrong decisions in life. I chose not to go to college, because I didn’t want to go into debt, I thought that was a smart thing to do. Now? Ten years later after having gotten out of high school and having accomplished nothing in that time, I realize everyone with anything in this world is in some sort of debt. Debt is just the price you pay to engage with society. You don’t even really have to pay debt back, you just need to have some of it to make society feel comfortable doing business with you. But I thought I was clever back then, I thought I was smart back then. Now, everyone I know who went to college has a steady job, a significant other, a family, a house, a stake in this world, and I have nothing.
I’m in the same place I’ve been since I was a child really. I have the life experience of a child in the body of a very ugly man. I’d find it kind of funny if it wasn’t happening to me, but I really do feel like I can’t actually complain about anything since all of my choices did in fact lead me here. If this was a visual novel, I would have been playing it in the worst way possible, by not reading the dialogue, and just clicking what sounded good in the moment without ever actually thinking about what might happen several scenes later. Sometimes I try to cope with it all by buying into determinism, and determinism does make sense in a lot ways, but no matter how much sense it makes, it still doesn’t feel right. And being a manchild, my feelings are everything for me. I can read Marcus Aurelius, and Epictetus, and Seneca, and I can understand what they’re saying, but I can’t buy into it. I can’t be a stoic. I feel bad about life, I really do, and I don’t know… I guess I just need better distractions.