Hours in the Day

Seneca said that it wasn’t so much how little hours are in a day, as it is how poorly most people choose to use the hours that they’re given. His perspective being that the universe gives us all exactly how much time we need and that it’s on us if we mismanage things. I can kind of get what he’s saying, but then I go and try to pull all the weeds in my backyard and it ends up being an all day affair. Which leads me to believe that it’s probably a lot easier to manage one’s time if one can pass off all the tedious tasks they might have to a servant underclass. Like, if I could just not have to do laundry, just not have to cook food, wash dishes, clean the house, pull weeds, and water the garden, then yeah, you know maybe I could do some cool stuff with my time. But I don’t have a servant underclass to utilize, if anything, I am the servant underclass. By the time I usually do finish all of the lame stuff I need to do every day, I usually don’t have the energy left to concentrate on anything else and I just want to go to sleep.

But then I don’t go to sleep. Even though I lack the energy to do anything cool or useful, and all I wanna do is lie in bed, I still can’t manage to doze off. Instead I pull out my phone and start browsing the internet or playing gacha games for a few hours. Doing those things is definitely a poor use of time, but it’s weird, because when I’m doing them it doesn’t feel like a choice. It always feels more inline with eating food or expelling what was once food, as in, these are just bodily functions that I need to perform in order to keep on living. I wonder how that works, how my mind trains itself to feel as though I need to take a few pulls on a virtual slot machine before I’m allowed to close my eyes and end each day. I guess I’m not getting satisfaction anywhere else, so my body needs the reliable dopamine that clicking buttons brings.

Maybe Seneca was right, and it’s all my fault that I can’t deal with the days as they come, but even if he was right, it doesn’t help me much, because I read what he wrote and I’m still in the exact same place as I was before I read what he wrote.

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