Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now

A lot of different people have talked about the ways in which they’re sad over the years. Writers, poets, singers, songwriters, teenagers with internet access, there’s honestly no end to the ways in which human beings can express how awful they feel. I guess the same thing could be said about people expressing joy, there’s probably songs and stories about that stuff too, but I’m not exactly familiar with any of that stuff so I’m just going to ignore it. All I really care about right now is being miserable, because that’s all I really feel. I’ve felt this way for awhile, and it’s long past the point of being a phase. I’m 28 now, and back when I was in preschool and then eventually elementary school, I would hide under desks during recess to avoid human interaction and to just sort of cry there in the dark, so that’s at least twenty years of me being like this. I can’t cope with the idea that at some point things are going to change, because that’s just unbelievable, I am simply this person and I have to deal with it.

How do I deal with it? Consuming the products of other people’s misery no longer seems to help. I’ve listened to the sad songs and read the sad stories and nodded my head while thinking, “So true, that’s super true.” enough to know that it’s just not the interesting after awhile. That isn’t to say listening to happy songs is any better, it’s not, it’s actually much worse to hear that sort of thing. So instead of consuming all the time to cope I’ve tried creating a little bit to cope instead, and while I’d say that can be a little bit more interesting, it requires a level of energy and motivation that I can’t sustain. So creating only comes rarely, most of the time I have to simply vegetate, stare at the ceiling, stare at the wall, stare at the sun or a picture of the sun on a screen. It sucks, my life sucks so much it’s honestly insane.

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