Repeating Thoughts

At no point in my life has it ever felt like there was a reason or purpose for my existence. I don’t think my parents had any reason for bringing me into this world either. There was never any goal, never any plan. I was just born and then put through on a bit of a conveyor belt that I guess was supposed to lead somewhere, but maybe I fell off, because I never went anywhere. I’ve been having the same conversations with my parents for the last ten years, telling them how miserable I am, saying how there’s no reason for me to be alive, them saying there’s so many reasons for me to be alive without ever giving a single one aside from the fact that me saying that there’s no reason for me to be alive makes them sad. I wonder why I was circumcised as a baby, I wonder if that permanently altered my brain chemistry and that’s why I’m depressed. Would I have been normal if I was never circumcised? I really don’t know. I have no insight into anything after 28 years of being alive. I doubt that doing 28 years roughly three more times will change that. If I can’t accomplish anything in the first quarter, why would anything change in the next one or the one after that? I want to die now but I’m afraid of pain, I don’t like suffering and that both drives me towards death and repels me from it. I’ve been thinking about this same stuff since I was in elementary school and my first pet, which was one of those fish from the pet store, died the first day I got it. I don’t remember if I even had time to name the fish before it died. What a fucked up world, everything on this planet is so stupid. I think I should have been classified as mentally retarded as a kid so I could have collected welfare, every time I apply for Calfresh or any of the other services out there I get rejected. I’ve never actually collected welfare, I wish I did collect welfare, that would have been cool. I’m trying to think of anything note worthy to talk about that I’ve experienced and there isn’t really anything. I first tried to become a vegetarian in middle school, but was bullied by my brother and other relatives into eating shrimp, and it wasn’t until I graduated high school that I actually permanently committed to not eating meat. A year after I graduated high school I became a vegan, and I’ve been one ever since. So nine years of not eating meat or drinking milk or anything like that. In that time I’ve convinced zero other people to become vegan and stay vegan. I don’t see the world becoming any less harsh any time soon. I really don’t belong on a planet this cruel, I feel resentment for being brought here. All these sentences are constantly looping in my head. Just these same thoughts over and over again. Every so often I guess the universe gives me something new to cry about. As a kid I never thought about the concept of being bald, I never realized baldness was something that happened to some people, I must have thought it was a choice or something, I really wish I could have chosen not to be bald. Everything that happens to me is so shitty. Nothing good has ever happened. I want the entire world to apologize to me on a daily basis. I want reparations from everyone and everything. I hate God.

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