I’ve long since given up on the idea that I can become actually talented in any individual hobby. I’m too lazy to go through the necessary grind of consistently honing a skill to the point of being able to create something above average with it, but I still want to do things that will get me from sunrise to sunset in ways that don’t make me feel like I’m objectively wasting my time in the same way that playing a video game does. I could easily just play games until I’m dead, but in a lot of ways that might actually make the time I have to do here worse than if I were to just stare at clouds. There’s something repulsive about gaming that I haven’t yet figured out how to describe, the same with watching television or browsing the internet, these are activities that absolutely pass the time, but they leave me feeling drained, as if I’ve just been sucked dry by some invisible parasite. Writing and photography however seem to do the opposite, they aren’t exactly fun, they sometimes make time take longer, but having finally taken a photo you wanted to after hours of taking photos you didn’t want to, or having finally written something that half-way expresses what you’re feeling after struggling to do so for some indeterminate amount of time really does make it feel like you aren’t just wasting your life. Even if what you create is completely worthless to the outside world, somehow it feels like it mattered in a way which no other activity really does. Despite knowing this, I find it difficult to actually do either of those things most of the time, I know I wont regret it if I do, and yet I end up going off and doing something that I’ll regret instead. This has to be insanity, it doesn’t make sense.